A Five-Star Interaction with Customer Service
Cursed Artifact | Barista | Teddy Bear
Thank you. I did not understand your inquiry. Please let me know how I can assist you today.
THE BEAR IS POSSESSED.
Thank you. I understand you wish to possess the bear. However, the bear was unexpectedly popular and each store received a limited supply. Can I interest you in the less popular but equally adorable penguin? Or, perhaps, last year’s liger? We also have remaining stock in hippopotamus, which has extra capacity in its horns.
HIPPOS DON’T HAVE HORNS.
Thank you. I understand that you might be feeling horny. Please note that all calls are recorded for quality assurance. I do not recommend using this line for nefarious purposes. Chuckle. Chuckle. Tee hee. Tee hee.
I AM NOT. NEVER MIND. LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE THE BEAR. IT IS POSSESSED. IT HAS BEADY RED EYES. IT DID NOT PREVIOUSLY HAVE BEADY RED EYES. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? WILL IT EAT MY CHILDREN?
Thank you. I am not a cannibal. I am not even a human. Therefore, eating humans would not technically be cannibalism for me. However, I take your request seriously. I will not eat any children.
THE BEAR. YOU IDIOT. IS MY FAMILY IN ANY REAL DANGER HERE?
Thank you. I’m afraid we have no more bears in stock. They sold very quickly. May I interest you in a penguin, a liger, or, perhaps, a hippopotamus? It is very roomy.
SHUT UP ALREADY I HAVE A BEAR.
Thank you. Goodbye.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT HANG UP. PLEASE. I WAS ON HOLD FOR SEVENTY MINUTES DO NOT DO NOT HANG UP PLEASE.
Thank you. I am still here and very happy to help.
THANK YOU.
Goodbye.
WHAT? NO! WAIT!
Would you like to take a three-question survey immediately following your interaction with Customer Care?
SURE. WHATEVER JUST DON’T HANG UP. PLEASE.
Thank you. We understand your frustration. Our bears were unexpectedly popular. Baristas could not keep them in stock. I cannot assist you in your acquisition, but I am happy to help you otherwise. Please clearly state your issue.
I HAVE A BEAR. MY TEENAGER INSISTED. WE WENT TO FIVE STORES. DO YOU HEAR ME? FIVE! I FINALLY GOT THE DAMNED THING. OK? WE ARE THE PROUD OWNERS OF A STUPID STUPID BEAR. THE BARISTAS WERE ALL VERY KIND OK? THEY MAKE DELICIOUS ESSPRESSO. IT ALL TASTES KINDA BURNT SO MAYBE WORK ON THAT BUT THIS IS ABOUT THE BEAR. WE OWN. OK?
Thank you. And congratulations on being one of the lucky few to have acquired the limited edition, extremely valuable, cuddly bearista mug. I hope you enjoy. Have I answered all of your questions to your complete and total satisfaction today? I see you have opted-in to taking our post-call survey and I would love to earn five stars from you today, if at all possible.
THE BEAR IS POSSESSED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING? I DID NOT PURCHASE A BEAR WITH RED EYES. MY CHILD SCREAMED THIS MORNING. THE STUPID THING LOOKS LIKE AN EVIL DEMON AND I WANT IT OUT OF MY HOUSE. AND A REFUND. OBVIOUSLY.
Thank you. I understand you would like to rehome your limited edition, extremely valuable, cuddly bearista mug. Might I recommend an auction site or, perhaps, a social media marketplace? According to my records you may even be likely to make a tidy profit. Congratulations!
NO ONE WILL BUY AN EVEIL BLOOD-SUCKING BEAR!
Thank you. You should not fill your mug with blood. This is not recommended. Also, hand wash only. The features of the limited edition, extremely valuable, cuddly bearista mug are quite delicate. And we cannot offer refunds for your egregious misuse.
YOU SOLD ME A DEMON TEDDY BEAR. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Thank you. I understand.
FINALLY! WHAT DO I DO?
Welcome to our post-call survey. We hope you have received excellent service today and appreciate your willingness to stay on the line and answer three easy questions regarding your experience. This will only take a few moments of your time. Question 1: Did your issue get resolved in full? Why or why not?
NO. LISTEN TO ME. THE BEAR HAS A KNIFE. I AM LOOKING AT IT WITH MY OWN EYES AND IT IS VERY BLOODY IN THE EYES AND NOW HAS A KNIFE. I AM NOT JOKING. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. WHAT HAVE YOU SOLD ME AND WHAT CAN I DO?
We understand your issue was resolved to your complete satisfaction. We are pleased to hear this. Question 2: Did you feel your experience with Customer Service to be pleasant and welcoming? Why or why not?
I AM NOT SATISFIED! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOUR BEAR IS GOING TO KILL US. MY CHILD JUST THREW IT OUTSIDE AND IT BROKE INTO TINY PIECES BUT NOW IT IS BACK. HOW? CAN I BURN IT?
We are glad to hear that you felt welcome and were completely satisfied. Question 3: Is there anything we can do to improve your experience or anything more we can offer in the future? This is the final question.
YOU CAN IMPROVE MY EXPERIENCE BY ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS YOU IDIOT. THE BEAR. IS GOING TO KILL US ALL. HELP. THE BEAR IS GOING TO STAB OUR EYES OUT WITH A KNIFE!
Thank you. We are sorry. The limited edition, extremely valuable, cuddly bearista mug does not come with any accessories.
THE BEAR DID NOT PREVIOUSLY HAVE A KNIFE. NOW IT DOES. THE BEAR IS GRINNING. THE BEAR IS DRIPPING BLOOD.
Goodbye. Thank you for answering our three-question survey. I am glad we have completely resolved your inquiry and earned five stars from you today. Good luck.
TALK TO HUMAN.
Goodbye.
TALK TO HUMAN.
Thank you for contacting Customer Service. This call will now be disconnected.
TALK TO HUMAN!!!!!!!!!
Goodbye.
TALK. TO. HUMAN!
This call will now be disconnected.
HUMAN!!!!!!!!
Thank you for contacting Customer Service. Have a beary good day. Tee hee. Chuckle.
WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE DO YOU HEAR ME!
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.